Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Holy Mother F'er!

Wow! So yesterday I posted on Facebook how boring labor was. Boy, did that mindset change extremely quickly. But let's go back to the start...

The Wifey had been in discomfort since the previous night but due to the amount of false alarms we have encountered, she put it off, just waiting for the next doctor's appointment, which was on Thursday. The next morning I took her to work, which was a good 30 minute drive and I was a little bitter. Why did she have to work? What is she trying to prove? I should have realized it was my paternal instinct (does that even exist?) kicking in but one thing I have learned throughout this ordeal, mother knows best.

It only took four hours before I got the call at noon.

"Hey, can you come pick me up? I think my water broke."

Now you usually have a good 24 hours after the water breaks to deliver the baby so we weren't in a hurry. Hollywood movies really dramatize the journey to the hospital after the water breaks. There was no weaving in and out of traffic, no power slide left turns, no launching off a hill at top speed. I made sure I grabbed the baby bag, pillows, the iPod, and the laptop. We drove to the doctor's office first just to make sure her water broke. Her water didn't break but was leaking so the doctor suggested we check in at Baylor. Once again, no crazy horn honking or driving on the sidewalk to get to the hospital. In fact, I even stopped at McDonald's before reaching our destination.

Despite the "pain", the Wifey was in a great mood. It was a little after 2pm and we honestly thought the baby would be born the next morning so neither of us were feeling anxious. She went to the doctor's office and was 5cm dilated and by the time she was at the hospital, she was already at 6cm, which was only an hour later. She was definitely progressing. Typically around 7-8cm things will either slow down and just become a stalemate or things go freaking crazy. Things slowed down for us. That is until the doctor wanted to physically break the Wifey's water. And once that was done, did things change.

Now, the Wifey is a tree hugging hippie, so she thought it would be cool to do the birth sans drugs. No epidural, which completely numbs the body from the waist down. She wanted to be "in control". To give you an idea of how out of control a person is with an epidural: remember in the movie House Guest with SinBad and he's at the dentist's office and gets into the Novocaine and his hands go numb and he wildly flails his arms around, generating mass amounts of laughter? That's what an epidural does. It basically is a pregnant woman's best friend during labor.

The Wifey and I went into the bathroom because she needed to pee but the pain was too great for her to sit down on the seat. I guess I can kinda imagine what it feels like when a 7lb thing is trying to get out of our body. Once, I ordered a Super Monster from FreeBirds and ate the whole thing during one sitting, so I could relate with the Wifey.

The pain had gotten bad. Really bad. And I was helpless to ease any of the pain. I tried talking to her, I used my Asian Feng Shui to coax the pain away, I even tried using a Jedi mind trick. The nurses and doctors were already impressed with how well the labor had been because the Wifey had not shown any major signs of discomfort or pain. The Wifey attributes it to her ability to reclassify pain as good rather than bad. I attribute it to her being in denial.

But yeah, it was painful just watching her in so much pain. Cringing and crying and yelling. It's kinda like when the Dallas Cowboys are losing a tough game and as a fan you are helpless to do anything. Sure you can cheer louder but you are still completely helpless in helping them. That's how I felt with the Wifey. She would look up at me with those big blue eyes with a look of fear and terror in them as she knew that the pain was only going to get worse. I would hold her up until her legs buckled and then pick her back up again. She kept on telling me that she couldn't do it and I would slap her in the face and tell her "grow some balls woman!" Okay, I didn't say the last part nor did I slap her in the face. I was trying to squeeze her pressure points hoping that would alleviate her pain. And I kept on asking her if she wanted the epidural and she would simply reply, "I don't know." The Wifey then said "I need to push," and I knew it was time. I read somewhere that a woman will just know when the baby needs to come out and she definitely knew. We cleared the room (the Wifey's mom, brother and her BFF were in the room) and the nurses helped me bring her to the bed. The nurses didn't realize how fast the Wifey was moving along.

Our doctor works at her own office about 5 minutes away so we had to wait until she got there or the resident doctor on duty (who was super hot, Grey's Anatomy material) would deliver.

"Go ahead and page the doctor." - Nurse #1
"What about the resident doctor?" - Nurse #2
"No, we should be fine, we have some time...Never mind, get the resident doctor here now." - Nurse #1

This all happened around 615pm. Both doctors showed up within 2 minutes and the Wifey was in full push mode. She was yelling and screaming and doubting if she could even get the baby out. She grabbed my arm so tight my perfect bronze tanned skin would turn white from her hand prints. She even asked the doctor to just "pull the baby out." The Wifey would scream and yell "HOLY MOTHER F'ER!" She literally said Mother F'er, making sure the baby didn't hear any cuss words. She would push for a minute and then rest. I would grab the oxygen mask and made sure I didn't pass out and the Wifey would have the left over oxygen. Just kidding. I made sure she had the mask on her face.

The nurse, Michelle, was all in her face yelling supportive phrases such as "You can do it!'", "Who's your daddy?!" and "Aint no thang but a chicken wang!". Okay, I lied again. But Michelle was awesome. She kept things in focus for the Wifey and at 645pm, only 30 minutes later, the baby was born.

10 toes, 8 fingers, and two thumbs. Holy Mother F'er, I am a freaking dad.


  1. I am so happy for you guys! I keep getting teary-eyed looking at Evelyn's picture...I guess I'm officially a sap but she's gorgeous and I can't help it! Take care of each other and know that we're here to help if you need some time out of the house or rest. :-)

  2. Haha, holy mother effer. cassidy was born to be a momma! loved this... for the second time (: congrats on yalls little girl turning one!!! xox