Friday, May 30, 2014

Letter to Pillow

Dear Pillow:

Pillow isn't really your nickname, you can thank your sister for that one.

It seems you're being pretty difficult as you're enjoying your stay inside Hotel Mom in womb number 1 (see what I did there? Get used to it, I am mastering the art of Dad jokes). Everyday I get to hear your mother bitch about how you're kicking some random organ or your pressed up against her lungs and she can't breathe, blah blah blah. When you come out, you'll realize how often she complains and bitches and cries. You'll get used to it.

Unlike your sister when we had an inkling she was going to be a girl, you are going to be a true surprise. Each week my opinion changes depending how moody your mother. If she's acting bat shit crazy, you're a girl. But the bat shit craziness has been pretty few and far between, so you might be a laid back dude. And with the way your mom clenches in pain because you punt her in the kidneys, I have aspirations of you being my meal ticket a really good athlete. But if you're a girl you can also be a really good athlete as well. No sexist dad here.

Once I was on a plane to Las Vegas with some friends for a bachelor party and I made a joke that we had a woman pilot and the flight was going to be delayed because she is going to pull the plane over to fix her makeup. A woman sitting next to me asked, "are you serious?!" And I replied, "oh no, planes can't pull over." Then she called me disgusting and said I was unbelievable. It was the most awkward flight ever. Moral of that story is don't ever let anyone hold you back because their view of the world is skewed. Also, don't ever repeat anything I say in public.

I hope you like sports. Mainly football and the Dallas Cowboys. I know in the letter I wrote to your sister, I told her " So that means no crying, diaper changing, or being hungry during the Cowboys game." That will hold true for you too. Your sister knows when I am watching sports (right now she refers to every sport I watch as baseball) so she knows to leave me alone or wait until a commercial. I expect you to do the same. Oh and this applies any time Cops is on as well.

You are going to be the new baby of the family. I hope your sister continues to treat you the way she has been once you get out. You've probably heard her kiss your mom's belly and tell her she loves you. She's even been practicing putting you to sleep - since she didn't know if you're a boy or a girl, she did both.

She will end up being your best friend and you will be hers. You will both have each other to bitch about your mom being weird. She will blame you for stuff she did and you'll do the same. And I'll have two kids to blame for stuff that I did like who ate all the Oreos. I'm excited for you because I hope you'll love Vietnamese food as much as me and your sister. But if you end up having a boring appetite like your mom, that would make her happy too. And both your mom and I are hoping you're a decisive one because right now nobody in this family is willing to make a decision for dinner.

You're coming into a family that always says 'I love you' and will always begin and end our days with a kiss and a hug. Sometimes a big family hug. We'll always hold your hand to cross the street and carry you when your legs are too tired to walk. Your sister will ask you what's wrong and try to make you feel better. I'll ask you what's your deal and try to make you feel better. Your mom will try to talk your ear off about talking about your feelings and then make you feel better. Either way, you'll be loved.

We can wait to meet you.

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