Surviving the Baby Store

The trip to the Big Box Mega Baby Store is a visit I would normally dread. Screaming babies, pregnant women with constant bitchy resting face, and the long check out lines. It's like Wal-Mart except the people not wearing pants are in the infant carriers. The trip to the store is never off to a good start if I have to mean mug the asshole that parks in the expectant mothers' spot. I worked hard to impregnate the Wifey to get that prime spot.

Total Wine = Step 1 in the baby making process

The Wifey knows it's not my most favorite store and she definitely knows not to get pregnant during the football season or she would be making these visits alone. But she's considerate; she doesn't demand my opinion - she knows it's the same answer of "whichever you like the best." She makes sure she gets everything she needs because wasting away in the checkout line only for her to forget something on the other side of the store is a huge tease.

But luckily I've learned make the most of the visit and entertain myself. So here are the 5 Rules to Maintain Your Sanity in the Big Box Mega Baby Store:

1) Be charged.

Make sure your phone is charged. Sorry, let me be more specific: make sure your smart/internet-capable phone is charged. You can't survive a visit if you're limited to Snake 2. I would estimate 80% battery should be sufficient but it really depends on the visit. If you're registering for baby stuff, you should be fine. You'd be surprised how fast time flies when you're scanning random shit. But if you're returning everything that you registered for because you thought there is no way on Earth someone would buy the diaper disposal system that seals diapers shut 360 degrees in order to lock in odors - you thought wrong. Someone will buy it and you will be waiting in line to return it. In that scenario you will need a fully charged phone and maybe an extended battery.

2) Limit your attention span.

A fully charged phone will do you no good if you do not have internet or stuff to do on the phone. There is a really good chance that in the vastness of one these mega stores, there will be an internet dead spot from as soon as you walk in all the way to dumpsters in the alley behind the store. Don't try and force your phone to find that one bar of service, you will end up draining your battery further. But if you are one of the lucky few who can get service, keep your internet surfing short and sweet. You want to be able to read a quick story or maybe some tweets but don't try and watch a movie. Definitely don't even try to sneak your Kindle in and try and read a book. You will need something you can quickly stop so you can answer questions like, "how will this look in the yet to be designed nursery?" The answer: it's going to look great because you've shoved that Pinterest picture in my face a 1000 times. The reality: it's going to look like crap because, well  because it's Pinterest. You can try watching Vine videos but acoustics are awful in these big buildings and you'll have your phone to your ear as if your phone is telling you a secret. Stick to material that is geared for short attention spans just to make your partner you think you don't mind shopping.

3) Hulk Smash.

You have no bars of service. Don't fret. Most of the games available for your phone are designed for your one handed play so you can continue to push the shopping cart and still play. Candy Crush seems to be popular but I don't play it so I wouldn't know. If you are lucky and happen to have downloaded Flappy Birds before it was pulled, be careful. If your partner happens to ask you for your opinion right when you're going to beat your high score of 7, you're going to come off as an ass when you ignore life. But what do you do when you experience Flappy Bird rage? You can't throw your phone and you definitely can't start cussing - this is still a baby store. You punch stuff. I am being serious. Baby car seat displays are perfect punching. Most of the car seats have side impact things that are great for a right hook and it's always fun to see how well these car seats hold up. And it's always fun to think that your punches are flying at the same force and velocity of a two ton steel car slamming into your car because you know, we're men and we Hulk smash. I usually go down to the row of car seats and punch all the side impact head cushions. You definitely don't want to punch the main cavity of the seat where the kid actually sits. That's just hard plastic and it hurts and dumb. Punch the head cushions. It takes practice because if you miss, it's going to hurt.

4) Demo everything.

A good baby store will let you demo everything. So why not make it fun? I usually go to the baby swings and turn all them on at one time. And then I turn up the speed and music so the aisle is filled with crappy baby music. If you are up for the challenge, try getting all the baby swings to swing in unison. Some of the swings have different swing timing so you have to time it just right. I think I've gotten 4 swings in unison. I probably could have gotten more but I had to give my opinion on which breast pump looks better designed to suck the most milk. You can also go to all the baby toys and press the demo buttons just to be even more annoying. I like the toys that sing. I get all the toys to sing at the same time so it's like I am conducting my own choir. I'd probably could spend an entire day doing this if I had chance.

5) Take a break.

No internet? No more battery life? Hand hurts from punching stuff? Don't worry, the best thing about the baby store is the row of rocking chairs that were made for resting. It might be a little rude to sit in one of these chairs the whole time so I usually make this a last resort. I will also pick the cheapest chair. You don't need to be comfortable - you just need to get off your feet. But if the store isn't busy, by all means, treat yo self and sit in the mega chair. You won't regret it. And if your partner asks why you're sitting down, go with this sure-fire gem: "I am just imagining rocking our beautiful child to sleep so you can get your rest." Boom. Gold. But be careful, if the Wifey ever catches you passed out in the rocking chair with your newborn hanging on for dear life, she will never, ever let it go.

And if everyone is wondering, there is a diaper disposal system that seals your dirty diapers shut like those food vacs.