Friday, February 28, 2014

Quell the Vomit Monster

As we gear up for the arrival of Pillow, there are a few items that never left our possession. The Baby accumulated an obscene amount of unwanted junk from family and friends (we appreciate the thoughtful gestures!) - but it ends up being overwhelming. Compound that with the fact that the Wifey is a crazy pack-rat (she vehemently denies it), our house is essentially a shoo-in for the next episode of Hoarders. A person can stuff only so many clothes and toys into a ForceFlex garbage bag before the trash bag says "F this shit" and rips itself open. Probably the exact same feeling the buttons on my shirt feel after a trip to the local buffet.

But there are baby things you end up using on a daily basis. Some things I will ask myself why the hell I threw it in the trash in the first place. Here is my life of the four best baby things you'll continue to use.

1. Baby wipes.

Basically they are wet naps except you don't have to rip it open with your teeth like a condom package. The whole reason you're a parent in the first place is because you had trouble opening the condom. Baby wipes are decently priced for the amount you get in a package; the packaging is resealable so you'll always have that cool, moist tissue. They are great if you need to cool down, somehow smash ice cream all over your face, or you need a quick "shower" and the can of FeBreze is nowhere to be found. I usually have a package somewhere in the car - you never know when someone is going to spill. I prefer a baby wipe over the hand sanitizers just because A) it's super creepy when someone pulls it out and squeezes it into their palm and then rubs it like they are about to go into surgery and B) they dry out my hands. Plus you don't rub sanitizer all over your face just because you couldn't resist the all you can eat Riblets at Applebee's.

2. Baby blanket

You know you have a closet full of them. Just stacks on stacks of blankets of quilts. Some with mysterious stains others still covered in your mother in law's perfume. But either way, you still have them and you will still use them. They are big enough to shut the Wifey up when she complains the car's heater isn't getting hot fast enough. But they are small enough it doesn't feel like you're dragging around the comforter of your bed. They are handy when you need a quick makeshift blanket or if you need a privacy screen so your daughter can pee on the side of the road because she couldn't hold it long enough and there was no way in hell you were going to use Wal-Mart's bathroom.

3. Snacks

This is a tough one because a lot of the snacks that the Baby eats are snacks that I eat. Fruit snacks and goldfish seem to be the most common ones. But snacks are really beneficial when you are toting around a gallon Zip-loc bag of stale, flavorless Cheerios. There will be times when the Wifey (or yourself) happen to drink two too many bottles of crappy house wine when you're out and the drive thru line to Whataburger happens to be 7 cars long - you're going to need something bland to quell the Vomit Monster.

4. Diaper bag

I know, it's a bitch to carry around in the first place. And it's even worse for guys because all the new diaper bags look like big ass purses. It's bad enough you have to hold your wife's purse but now you have to hold your wife's purse AND your daughter's bigger ass purse. But that thing is useful. A diaper bag is the Swiss Army Knife of random ass shit. There are so many times that I need somewhere to put my keys, wallet, and phone because I wear athletic shorts in public because I DON'T GIVE AN F. I need some baby wipes because my face is dirty and I'm too classy to spit wash my own face? It's in the diaper bag. My kid wanted to jump in the water fountain at the mall and now she's naked in the backseat? Cover her up with that blanket that you somehow managed to shove in the diaper bag. And the greatest thing about diaper bags are the random goodies you will find at the bottom. I've found goldfish crackers to M&Ms and even that Redbox DVD of Madagascar 3 that your wife swore she returned.

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